Home Study: 1 Month(ish) Update

 

Pictures: top, from a work trip to Wichita this month; bottom, the girls at Dutch Wonderland in Lancaster PA where they stayed with my parents while we were away :)
 

We're one month (+ a few days) into the home study for adoption #3, and here's where we're at:

Done

• Uploaded proof of medical, life, and car insurance, 1040 tax form from 2022, and Grace's birth certificate 
• Pet license and vaccine records for Mr. Bailey (the easiest government-issued thing so far!)
• Fire inspection*
• Fire safety survey + family emergency plan
• Autobiography updates
• Guardianship forms
• Employer / salary verification

*It cracks us up how different each of the three fire inspections we've had at the same house (!) This time, the curveball was that we needed to have smoke alarms IN the sleeping area for the baby - meaning, attached the ceiling in the master bedroom, even though there's one already a few feet away in the hallway.... thankfully, Dan had thought ahead and had an extra alarm, and dashed up the stairs to install it. The inspector noted that he clearly "was doing it" and let us pass without waiting for it to be fully installed ;) You just never know!

In process

• Certified driving records (requested from the state)
• Medical paperwork for the kids (will get done at Grace's 4 year check-up later in September)
• Medical self-assessments (working on it)
• Four references
• Background checks (CPS and child support) - submitted to state via Barker, haven't received results yet

Not done

• Upload proof of finances + fill out financial form
• Physicals for Dan and Bethany
• 10.5 hours of online training (but did purchase the classes)
• Live virtual class about transracial adoption (will happen September 16)
• Fingerprints (they only take about 48 hours to be processed, and then have a "shelf life" of one year before we have to redo them, so we're waiting until closer to the end)

Overall it's going really well! It feels like a peaceful pace but we're making progress, which is nice to see. Our working goal is to get everything done by early October, so we can schedule our home study interviews in October / November and *hopefully* have our home study complete by early 2024.

So, please keep praying for us and for whatever future child we may be welcoming into our home!

And we're back again :) Adoption three officially underway!

Please pray for us as we embark on a 3rd adoption pilgrimage, to - God willing - welcome another precious child into our family!

Backstory:

We have long wanted to adopt again - as it still seems as though babies are not coming any other way - but this time around, it took us WAY longer to get to the starting block again! (For comparison, we started adoption #2 when Zelie was just over a year old; Grace is almost four.)

A few reasons for that:

First, Grace was born in September 2019, which we recount here, and while we were still in the early months of sleep-deprived newborn-parent life, the world shut down with the covid pandemic in March 2020. We - like most of the world - were in shocked survival mode for months and months, and starting another adoption did not seem feasible as the world was so crazily altered.

Second, we discerned a major career move around the time Grace was born. Dan had completed his PhD studies in January 2019 and through prayer, dreaming, and the encouragement of some key mentors, we decided to leap into the unknown and start a non-profit with the mission of helping adult children of divorce (like Dan) find healing: Life-Giving Wounds.

If you've ever started something brand new, especially a start-up from-scratch business, you know the work and effort that goes into it!! It's been such an amazing experience but a huge learning curve as well. We started out simply in a volunteer capacity, but thankfully the ministry has grown such that Dan has worked full-time for Life-Giving Wounds as the President since February 2023. (That whole journey would be another post by itself!)

Suffice it to say that we wanted to see where this new venture would lead, and make sure it was stable enough, before embarking on another adoption process.

We started talking in earnest this past Spring about adopting again, and decided that July was a good (enough!) time to do it!

Differences with adopting this time around:

The *biggest* difference, of course, is that we now have TWO children who - because they are older than Zelie was when we adopted Grace - will be participants in many ways in the ride we're about to take as a family! The girls are VERY excited. (Grace says she wants a baby "right NOW" ha, and Zelie is full of ideas for names, such as: Zelie, Sprinkles, and Rainbow....it's a work in progress ;))

We're hoping that this adoption can also lead to conversations with them about their own adoptions, and an opportunity - especially for Zelie at age 6 - to "see" what the process is like that she only experienced as a newborn. Zelie will be interviewed by our social worker as part of the home study - kid-appropriate questions like what she likes about being a big sister, etc. 

And now that we have a cat (#pandemicpet), Mr. Bailey has a role too - we have to submit his rabies vaccination records and get him a pet license.

The last big difference so far is that since we adopted Grace, our home study agency has gone totally virtual / electronic with the paperwork. So far this has worked out nicely, with far less things needing to be printed, signed, scanned, or mailed. And everything is kept nicely together in our "portal."

What's coming next:

For the most part, though, the home study will be more or less identical to the process we went through when adopting Zelie and Grace.

Ready for the paperwork list?? ha! Stuff we have to do includes:

• provide 4 references (this time including someone who has spent a lot of time with our girls)
• get background checked by the state and the FBI - three separate processes, two that are notarized forms, and one with fingerprints
• provide medical information from our doctors and our girls' pediatrician
• sign a bunch of agreements with the agency
• update our autobiographies
• have our house inspected by the fire department (let's see if they want us to remove a window entirely this time!)
• do some adoption classes - one for parents adopting again, and one about transracial adoption
• give them alllllll of our financial info and then some
• provide proof of all our insurance policies and our driving records

and more :)

Then we'll have to have a few meetings with our social worker, update our profile book (and maybe do a video about our family?), and decide which out-of-state agency we want to work with this time. (Our home study agency always recommends that, in order to increase the possibilities.)

So, we're chipping away bit by bit! Of course there will be frustrations and delays - for example, so far all three of my phone calls to the fire marshal's office has been greeted with the recorded message "the fire marshal is not answering and the mailbox is full" (okayyyy) - but we know we'll get through it since we've done it twice before!

As we start on this "pilgrimage" again, we're both excited but also nervous and - as both other times - a wee bit overwhelmed by the quantity of tasks to do. So, please pray for us! And especially for whatever child may join our family. For peace in all our hearts and a docile openness to God's will.

Thank you for reading!

Grace Theadora Rose: our second adoption! (the details)

So BIG NEWS - we adopted again!!! Our little girl turned one month old yesterday and we adults are sleep-deprived so this will be a bit of a brain dump to record on our blog how Gracie came into our lives!

Fri-Sat Sept 27-29
Dan and I had planned a long weekend away for a while. His mom was visiting so we took the opportunity to head down to Virginia (by the bay) for a getaway. We stayed in a house that belongs to one of Dan's former coworkers. It was gorgeous - dated back to the 1800's, super classy, felt like getting to sleep in a historic home, steps away from a peaceful inlet of water. So perfect. We had such a nice relaxing weekend the two of us, enjoying some leisurely meals, walks by the bay, antique shopping (only I cared!), etc. Just what we needed. (Even more than we realized at the time!)

Ironically, we spent some time talking/complaining about how long it was taking to adopt again. Little did we know that on....

Mon Sept 30
We would get an email in the afternoon from our home study agency saying that there was a baby girl in the hospital who they thought we'd be a great fit for. (!!!) We got some basic info and had a three-way call with the social worker handling the case, to ask more questions and such. It was definitely head-spinning, processing all this info on the fly, and apart until Dan got home from work. By that point we had already decided to say yes, and then around 6 the social worker called to say she had spoken with the baby's mom who agreed to move forward with us. (!!!)

So we went downstairs, sat down to dinner, and calmly informed Dan's mom and Zelie that we are adopting again! Cue tears! Amazing, Dan's mom had been set to leave the very next day but was able to extend her visit, which was so helpful because on...

Tues Oct 1
We drove an hour to the hospital (in Virginia) in the afternoon to meet with the social worker and then with the baby. FYI: Grace's birthmother has opted for a closed adoption after counseling, meaning that we don't know who she is, we didn't meet her, and we're not in contact. That may change over time - we are hoping it will, because we know how valuable it is for children to have information about their family of origin and for both birthparents and children to have some kind of ongoing contact. But who knows what will happen.

Anyway - we got debriefed by Sami the social worker, then went in the NICU, scrubbed our hands for three minutes (a ritual we got used to soon), and met Grace!

Sidenote: we chose her name between Monday afternoon and Tuesday afternoon! We had some names in general we liked, but nothing "picked out" in the absence of a specific child. We basically typed up a two-page list of name possibilities and combinations, then went through circling or striking out ones we liked or didn't. Literally on the way to the hospital we settled on her full name.

Grace Theadora Rose

Grace: we loved how that sounding, and the meaning of grace, gift and favor
Theadora: she was born on the feast of St. Matthew (Sept 21), whose name in Hebrew means "gift of God" - Theadora also means "gift of God" in Greek; it's also a connection with Sr. Thea Bowman, an African-American Catholic leader who is in the canonization process
Rose: we met Grace on the feast of St. Therese (Oct 1), and her "sign" is roses; this is also a connection with Zelie, who has Rose in her middle name too

Back to the hospital...Grace was resting in her clear plastic baby bed in a private room, dim behind a curtain. "Surreal" doesn't begin to describe the moment - yesterday we hadn't even known about her existence, and here we were with this new little baby. And she was SO cute and tiny and cuddly!! We stayed for the rest of that evening before driving home.

FYI: At 5 p.m. that evening Grace's birthmother's consent became irrevocable. It had been signed right after Grace was born (before we even knew about her).

Weds Oct 2
Zelie got to meet her baby sister today! As soon as she walked in the room, she asked to hold the baby. #heartmelt So we got her positioned with the boppy on her lap and she held Grace for a while, trying really hard to get the pacifier in her mouth. It was so precious, seeing our TWO girls together and interacting for the first time. Then Zelie got bored of holding the baby and wanted to put her in the bouncer (mamaroo) that was in the room. Then she wanted to touch all the wires and push the rolling bassinet and rock on the rocking chair really hard annnnnnd it was time to go ;)

We also signed all of the placement paperwork with Sami, there at the hospital, so we'd be able to leave with Grace when she got discharged. And Sami started the ICPC paperwork that would allow us to take Grace home to Maryland.

Dan's mom stayed with Grace so Dan and I could take Zelie out to eat (a yummy burger place) and to play. There was this pretty swanky shopping center a few minutes away from the hospital that had one of those water fountain play areas for kids. It was HOT today - 90's - so Zelie had a blast running around in the water and getting totally soaked.

Thurs Oct 3 - Weds Oct 9
Grace's time in the NICU. Honestly, it wasn't all that bad!

Pros: very little to do other than rock Grace, so lots and lots of time for bonding and holding and being together. The nurses were AMAZING and helped so much with Grace, and helped us get comfortable caring for a much tinier baby than we had before with Zelie (5 lbs vs. 7 lbs), navigating all the wires and beeps, etc. The drive to the NICU wasn't awful, about an hour one way. And hospital itself was pretty quiet and calm.

Cons: The worst part was not being together as a whole family. We decided not to get a hotel room because a) cost, and b) we thought Zelie would be more comfortable staying at home. Thanks to LOTS of grandparent support, Dan and I were able to take turns being with Grace. But that meant we only saw each other for the "hand off" so to speak, as most nights one of us stayed at the hospital. We could tell Zelie was getting tired of not seeing mommy or daddy all day, as she needed more cuddles and attention, understandably. Plus we were eager to get Grace out into the fresh air and away from the small little space she was literally connected to!

But overall, the NICU time went smoothly. We tried to focus on a day at a time, making a plan for that day, getting as much rest as possible, meeting Zelie's needs too. We also benefited a lot from the advice of friends who had had NICU stays with their kids.

So finally, after about a week and a half, on...

Weds Oct 9
Gracie was ready to get discharged!! Hooray! At this point we didn't know whether our ICPC paperwork would be cleared and we could drive Gracie into Maryland. If not, we'd have to stay (she'd have to stay - obviously with at least one of us) in Virginia until we could leave. Dan had scoped out a hotel option and I had packed enough stuff for all four of us for a few nights, just in case. Not ideal, to stay at a hotel with a newborn, but we had done it with Zelie for 3 weeks (1 week at a friend's parents' house) so at least this wasn't brand new.

BUT right before Grace was officially discharged, Sami texted to say ICPC cleared! So we could leave the hospital and drive straight home! That was definitely a relief and cut down on the complexity of the next few days.

We did a required mini-CPR class for infants (complete with an inflatable mini baby that we got to take home) and took the required discharge training from the nurse with some basic care info. Then Grace was ready to become wireless and go home! Oh, and the night before she had passed the "carseat challenge" - buckled into her carseat for an hour and a half without exhibiting distress. Awesome job, Grace.

Procedure was that we put her in the carseat, which was then placed on a rolling crib, sides raised, and a NICU nurse wheeled her to the hospital entrance for us. Kinda funny! A dramatic exit. We said goodbye and thank you to the nurses there, who again were SO amazing the whole time. We promised to send them our Christmas card! And we wheeled through the postpartum unit, where the nurses all clapped. #moretears

Then Dan got our car, we put Gracie in, and homeward bound! She had her first trip of many on 1-95 and the Beltway, plus a lovely view of downtown DC from the bridge over the Potomac (not that she noticed) and finally into Maryland! And finally home! Whew!

Not ten minutes after we arrived, a friend stopped by to give us several loaves of bread! Which was awesome because we had managed to place an order for pizza at the wrong pizza location so my mom was engaged in going to the other location for our dinner...oops.

It was so wonderful to finally be together all four of us, in our own home.

What's Next
Life! Hopefully some more sleeping from our hungry girl! But glad that she's eating so well!

Grace had a pediatrician appointment two days after discharge, and she was over 6 lbs, awesome!! And overall is doing really, really well. Poor Zelie got a flu shot at the same appointment. Of course we needed some Chickfila after that morning.

In terms of postplacement stuff, it's the same as with Zelie. We'll meet with our social worker three times in our home. One of those meetings already happened, the Monday after discharge. Each meeting is an hour long and we just talk about how things are going, how are we adjusting, attachment, questions, concerns. We've worked with our social worker Sandy now since before adopting Zelie, so she feels like an old friend at this point!

Grace's adoption will be finalized in Virginia, so it's likely that we'll actually go to the courtroom this time (instead of calling in like we did for Zelie's) - that should be pretty cool! It will happen a little more than six months from now because of the required postplacement visits and other paperwork (naturally).

So that's the story! We are a family of four now, thank you God! We don't take that for granted for a single second after years of praying to become parents, and now having the amazing blessing of each of our children having a sibling. So, so happy.

Thanks for reading this novel!!

While We Wait, Round 2: Summer 2019

It's been a while since we posted, so an end-of-summer "catch up" post seemed in order!

In adoption news - really nothing to report. We wrote back in June about a roller-coaster situation that ended up not going anywhere. Nothing like that has happened since then, for better (those scenarios are pretty nerve-wracking and all-consuming!) or worse (at least there's something *happening* and not just radio silence).

We are coming up to some of the annual things we have to do to keep our home study current, in this case for Dan and me to get our annual physicals. It's kind of a nice reminder for something we ought to do anyway - but generally these "landmarks" make us realize how much time has passed since we started the process (home study was started last summer for baby #2), which can feel discouraging.

Our home study agency recently partnered with an organization called Parentfinder, which assists hopeful adoptive parents in creating high-quality online profiles ("flip books" you read online, plus hard copies), videos, and other materials that are then shared broadly both through their own platform and a few other sites that target folks considering adoption. We attended a webinar on what Parentfinder has to offer and decided to sign up. It costs more money (naturally) and will take some time, but we think that it could make us more "visible" to expectant parents considering adoption, and help us present ourselves in a more three-dimensional way - as realistic as you can get in a digital format, anyway! So that's something we're going to be working on in the Fall.

Other than that, one neat thing that has happened recently is that we've been able to share our knowledge of adoption with some folks as part of a ministry starting at a local parish. This included talking for over an hour one night with a couple just starting their adoption journey, and also sharing resources that have helped us along the way (books, information, etc.). It always feels great to give back, on a topic we care about so much!

In regular life news - here are some snapshots of the fun we've been having this summer! Dan has had some time off here and there so we've been able to travel a bit and explore. And now Zelie is old enough to do a few more things and also really enjoy summer play, especially involving water.

Celebrating Father's Day with homemade cinnamon buns and bacon YUM

Day trip to the countryside/water in MD, after a yummy seafood dinner, on the Susquehanna river

throwing rocks in water - a fav pastime this summer; here in Charlottesville VA

Two day trip to NYC; with Lady Liberty

Our garden! We're growing tomatoes, cucumbers, basil, squash and more

Zelie went to a three-day nature camp, where among other things she made a cotton ball polar bear

Zelie's first trip to an amusement park - Dutch Wonderland - looks like she likes it ;) 

Thanks for reading, and please keep praying for us!

Saying Yes, Hearing No

A week ago today, an email came through on Friday afternoon from our home study agency with the word URGENT in the subject line. Nothing like that to make your heart skip a beat and your knees go weak!

Skimming it, then reading it several times more slowly, it became clear that there was a fast-moving adoption situation they were seeking families for. More specifically, our home study agency had been contacted by another agency (in Florida) that was looking for possible adoptive families for a child who had already been born. And our agency had in turn contacted the home study-approved families who may be interested and were open to the unusual circumstances surrounding this case.

There were therefore some unique aspects to the situation that merited further discussion, including some medical diagnoses and tragic, family dynamics stuff. Dan and I spoke on the phone soon and emailed back and forth with our agency's director to gather more information. We had until Sunday at 5 p.m. to decide whether we wanted our profile book to be considered. And the working plan was that the baby's mom would look at books on Monday, sign papers on Tuesday, and place the baby on Wednesday. (Whew!)

It's hard to think about anything else when something like this comes up. It's hard not to constantly wonder "is this it? is this our child?" It's hard not to obsess over every detail that we were given, hash out and rehash every last "what if?" It's hard just to take a deep breath and act normally.

In short, it made for a really intense weekend. Thankfully we had few plans on Saturday so we both had plenty of time to discuss and pray together and also had nothing that would be short-changed by our extremely short attention span.

Long story short, after we were finally able to get through to the placing adoption agency to answer a few questions, we decided Sunday afternoon that we would show our book, so we began that time we know well by now of waiting for that phone call or email that could change our family's trajectory forever.

Ultimately it came on Tuesday afternoon, in the form of an email saying that the mom had chosen a different family. While we weren't shocked, we were definitely disappointed. It's pretty impossible not to get your hopes up. And that takes a while to get out of your system, to let go of the multiple thought experiments you didn't even realize you've done - imagining flying to Florida, meeting the baby, coming home as a family of four, starting this new adventure with the baby, etc. What events over the next three weeks would need to be canceled or rearranged? But nope, not happening. You get to Wednesday and instead of welcoming another child into your family and home, you're doing whatever usual thing you do on Wednesdays.

This is definitely one of the harder aspects of adoption, enduring this kind of emotional roller-coaster that can come out of nowhere. And just to clarify: our matching agency in Georgia doesn't tell us when our book is being shown, so long as at least on paper we seem to be a good match for the situation. So at least things there happen in the background, so to speak. But sometimes a situation will be more "gray" in the sense of right up against the edges of our comfort zone or some unpredictable situation that isn't definable in advance to say 'yes' to, which is when we're told in advance, by either our GA or MD agencies and situations like this one from the last weekend occurs. With those cases, it's good to have that time to discern - given that adoption is a lifelong decision for everyone and you want to discern whether you are the best for this particular child - but it's just so intense.

Also, no matter the outcome, you really do open a welcoming space in your heart, home, and prayer life for this precious child. Our hearts were certainly expanded and then broke when weren't chosen. Despite the sadness, we marvel at our how amazing it is that a child just by existing can open the hearts of complete strangers thousands of miles away? He will never meet us, but he expanded our hearts just by existing. What a gift all life is no matter the tragic circumstances and believe us when we tell you that this was a very tragic circumstance to the point that many people would consider it a life not worth living - so sad, they know not what they say!

And going through these experiences makes us feel our infertility more keenly, how difficult it's been (comparatively speaking) to grow our family. Thank you God for the gift of our precious Zelie to lift our spirits (and keep us busy) but the questions of "Why us? Why do we have to go through this?" inevitably surfaces. We're asked again to accept this cross we didn't choose, and to try to do so joyfully, knowing that these are opportunities to become the saints we're meant to be (as much as we stumble on that path) and to offer up this suffering for the sake of others, especially other infertile couples or couples who have had a recent miscarriage (like some of our friends).

One last thing that struck us about this experience was that despite this little one having several pretty serious "issues" in terms of health and background, multiple families said "yes" to adopting him. Hence us not getting chosen. The Florida agency said they received an "overwhelming response" - all over the span of a few days. Even in difficult circumstances, this child was loved and wanted. Pretty amazing and encouraging.

So we carry on, a bit sad and slightly bruised at not being chosen, but contemplative about the hidden graces and mystery within this situation. Please pray for us, and kudos to you if you read this far!

While We Wait, Round 2: May 2019 (Month #4)

Adoption news: Nothing this month either. It can be disappointing, not hearing about any situations and not being matched yet. We have to remind ourselves, it's still quite early in the process (statistically speaking)! But every day we pray for God to bless us with another child. And at the same time we are thankful every single day for Zelie - in a profound sense, she is and always will be *enough* for us as her beautiful unrepeatable self - and at the same time we pray for our family's love to keep overflowing to more children! God's will be done!

In Other News: May was a big month for us! Probably the biggest thing that happened was Dan graduating with his PhD - amazing! We had a cookout celebration the Saturday before, attended the school's graduation ball the night before, and went out to eat after the ceremony. So a lot of celebrating was done, and he deserved every minute of it! For those not aware, Dan worked for this PhD for 10 years - the entirety of our marriage and then some. He sacrificed so much free time, endured setbacks and numerous "hurdles" (exams, languages, etc.) and worked SO hard to accomplish this.

All dressed up at the graduation ball. The highlight for Zelie was the chocolate fountain.

Silly faces with Dr. Daddy!

May was also Mother's Day. Since it was the Sunday immediately before Dan's graduation, we had both of our Moms in town, so it was lovely to celebrate with them. On Mother's Day, I felt (as I do pretty much every day) what an amazing thing it is to be Zelie's mommy - and I said some extra prayers for her birthmother and all birthmothers.

On May 28 we celebrated our 8th anniversary. Thanks to Grandma (Dan's mom), we were able to spend the long Memorial Day weekend away in Williamsburg. It was HOT but super fun. We went to Busch Gardens, Yorktown, and Jamestowne, and had a nice colonial-style dinner in the historic part of Williamsburg. 

In "Germany" at Busch Gardens.

While we were away, Grandma helped our little artist create some really lovely paintings as an anniversary gift - swoon!

In May, Zelie started swimming lessons. She's been having a blast! Due to Dan's work schedule, he was able to go to the first three with her, which was really special. She's not too keen on putting her face in the water but loves kicking and jumping in from the side. She's getting ready to enjoy the pool at Grandma and Grandpa's house (my parents) this summer!

To close: one quintessential SUMMER pictures: icy pop....flip flops....green backyard....SUMMER.

While We Wait, Round 2: April 2019 (Month #3)

Adoption News: *crickets, crickets*

Has it only been three months?!? Oh boy. Sometimes it already feels like this is taking forever... ;) We are so eager to welcome another little one into our home, and for Zelie to be a big sister. And she is so ready! She points out babies to us all the time, especially if they are crying. And she's developing such a sweet, caring heart. There's one book we read where a baby has dropped his pacifier and is crying, and usually we get "stuck" on that page as we talk about baby's feelings and how probably his mommy will get his pacifier for him. She is going to make such a great big sister!

But all in God's timing! Just as when we waited for Zelie, we have to trust that God knows our hearts and if there is another child out there meant for our family, he/she will find us - hopefully soon!

In Other News:

April is now a super-special month for our family because of our sweet girl's birthday! We had a blast celebrating her SECOND birthday. We had a small baby-shark themed party, which she seemed to really enjoy. We watched "the" video all together, and the kids went for a "shark hunt" in the backyard, finding little sea creatures that Dan had meticulously hidden. The big treat was cupcakes - and Zelie also loved the gummy sharks! Amazing that our baby is now TWO!

April was also Easter this year, and we had a wonderful time visiting Bethany's parents in Pennsylvania. Dan's mom was with us too, which was great. On Holy Saturday we all went to Longwood Gardens, which is gorgeous this time of year. They had this magical children's garden section with lots of water features, which Zelie obviously loved:

She is a fan of flowers in general!

And Easter Sunday itself was beautiful. He is risen, Alleluia!

Anything else....our garden is coming up nicely (peas, beets, lettuce, etc.), and the weather in general was just beautiful. Zelie has been enjoying the new swingset that Dan (and friends) built for her! 

That's about it - until next month! Pray for us!

- Dan, Bethany, and Zelie