Monday, August 1, 2016

"Adopting? Now you'll get pregnant!" {what not to say}

Recently, I had the following conversation with someone at a big group dinner (an acquaintance):

Her: So how long have you been married?
Me: We just celebrated our fifth anniversary in May.
Her: (teasingly), kids any time soon?
Me: (somewhat irked) Well, we've actually been trying since we were married, and now we're pursuing adoption.
Her: Oh! That's wonderful. I have a friend who right after she adopted, got pregnant!
Me: That's honestly pretty uncommon...
Her: But it can happen!
Me: (feeling pretty steamed by now) Well, if it happens, we're all for it - but right now we're pursuing adoption for its own sake, and not as a first step to getting pregnant.

(I think she then realized that this was not going well, and began talking with someone on the other side - and I needed a minute to calm down and let the steam roll out of my ears....!)

I felt pretty crummy after this exchange! I should say right up front that I think it's charitable to always give the other person the benefit of the doubt, ascribe to them kind motives, realize that people are generally trying their best, and so on. Sheesh, before I experienced infertility and trying-to-adopt, I'm sure I said some not-so-great things to friends struggling to grow their family! (In fact, I can think of concrete instances.)

All the same, as part of this space is our chance to share what we've learned about adoption, hopefully it's not too much of a stretch to write a post about what NOT to say to people when you learn they're adopting.

The #1 thing based on the conversation above is, please please PLEASE refrain from saying anything along the lines of "now you're adopting, just watch, you'll get pregnant!" or telling any stories to that effect.

I get why people want to share this kind of thing. On the one hand (the better hand), it's beautiful to hear when people who have tried for a long time to have children get back-to-back kiddoes! Hey, we'd love that! So in that sense, they are joyous stories and I understand why people like sharing them.

But on the other hand, what it can feel like to someone trying to adopt is minimizing the particular joys and struggles of adoption. It's like a major case of deflection. "Oh, you just graduated? That's cool, but I know someone who has this amazing job right after graduating!" "Oh, you just bought a house? Wow, but just watch, you'll win the lottery any day now!" It's really frustrating any time you share something - especially something really personal and important to you - with someone only to have them basically change the subject immediately. Booooooo. In this instance, instead of talking about adoption (which I always love talking about, and have a lot of thoughts on) suddenly we're talking about pregnancy, which I have zero experience with and actually is not a particularly happy topic for me. (Not to mention the reminder that we've been married five years....where are the kids?)

The other thing is, bringing up the "pregnancy after adoption" thing makes it seem like these two are somehow related. The fact is, just because some people do get pregnant at some point after adopting (in fact: 3-10%, so not that many!), adoption has absolutely no effect on your ability to get pregnant! Seriously. No effect at all. (And no, the mythical "just relax" infertility cure hardly applies here - adopting and parenting a newborn or young child is all kinds of wonderful things but I don't think very "relaxing"!) So yeah. If we are so blessed to adopt, perhaps it will be the case (God willing) that we conceive at some future point. But even if that happens, the adoption honestly won't have anything to do with it. There's definitively no cause and effect going on here.

Lastly, and I think most importantly, bringing up pregnancy when someone tells you they're adopting comes across (to me at least) as privileging pregnancy over adoption - like despite just getting done saying you're excited to be adopting, what you really, truly want is to get pregnant. Now, of course that would be great! Any time! I do want that! But we're pursuing adoption whole-heartedly, and not with a hidden agenda. If we are so blessed to adopt, we won't at all think our child is "second best" because we didn't conceive him/her. Adoption doesn't cure infertility - the deep longing to conceive and bear a child will probably always be present in our hearts - but we are happy about the adoption path we're on and will embrace our child as our own and not as a kind of "substitute" for a biological child.

So there you have it! Something to avoid when talking with someone who is trying to adopt. A better path? If someone tells you "we're adopting," good answers include:

  • Congratulations!
  • What wonderful news!
  • Tell me about it.
  • What kind of adoption?
  • Where are you in the process?
  • How is it going for you?
And most importantly of all: I'll pray for you.

[Bonus: My blogger friend Stephanie wrote a fantastic post a while back that is much more detailed and witty than this one! Definitely worth a read:

While We Wait: June & July 2016 (Months #6 and #7)

We thought we'd combine two recap months into one because these two months just flew by!

Adoption related stuff:

We did the required updates to paperwork that have to be annually updated: getting fingerprints done for background checks, going to the doctor and having forms signed saying we're still in good health, and submitting paperwork to the state to check that we haven't been convicted of child abuse. We did those in mid-June so now that's out of the way for another year.

Other than that, it's been slow in the adoption realm, largely because after we moved in July, we now have to update some additional forms that are house-related. (A home study only applies to one address at a time.) So for right now we're not eligible to be considering any adoption situations or having a child placed with us. It's only temporary, though! This is what we have to do in order to get back in the pool:

  • Fire safety survey: list of safety standards to check off
  • Fire inspection of our new home (by a county fireman)
  • Map of new home with exits marked
  • Emergency plan, like where we would meet if we had to escape
  • Updated financial information
  • Update to our personal bios, basically what's new between last time and now
  • Visit by our social worker to our new home, and conversation with her about how things are going
Our goal is to get these things done in August and be back in the pool by September. Some of it is dependent on other people's availability (fire inspection & social worker visit) but we'll do our best! Then after these things are done, we won't have any major paperwork to do until either we adopt or another year passes and we have to update forms again. 

Other stuff we did:

We moved! That was definitely the biggest event of June and July: getting all packed up, moving, and getting unpacked. It's a lot of work but totally worth it. We feel so grateful for our new home, which we are loving!! All of the neighbors have been really friendly, and three houses so far have people in them who grew up there! This is a big difference from other places we've lived where folks have been more transitory (like us). We love being close to a pool, churches, a farmer's market, and in a very safe, pleasant neighborhood. And despite how much work moving is, it was a joy to spend time with family and friends that day - very convivial. 

Right after moving, we traveled to New Mexico for a week (crazy) for work. We were thrilled we both got to go on the same work trip!

At the top of Sandia Peak, 10,000 feet up
San Miguel in Santa Fe: the oldest Catholic church structure in the country

In June, Bethany had a nice visit to PA for Father's Day weekend to spend time with her parents and treat her dad to brunch at Cracker Barrel.

That same weekend, Dan went to a different part of PA to celebrate a friend's bachelor party. They stayed in a renovated barn in the woods and had a blast.

Dan helped run two major events at the JPII Shrine, one in June: a family retreat day, and one in July: a neighborhood-wide young adult festival timed to coincide with World Youth Day in Krakow, Poland. So that kept him busy!

Perogies - YUM
After Mass in the Basilica

It will be really good to have a breather now after such a busy two months! We are happy to have a more relaxed schedule in August, with time to get all settled in to our new home and to get all the "extra" paperwork done. The path to adoption seems awfully slow at times (admittedly, somewhat of our own doing) but we will keep pushing forward!