While We Wait: January 2017 (Month #13)

Happy New Year!

Adoption stuff:

In January, we were presented with one possible situation, but after a week's wait, we found out we weren't chosen. More about that here.  It was a roller-coaster experience as usual. Another chance to trust in the Lord's providence for us, and his plan for our family. And another opportunity to have several concrete, real people to pray for: the child and his parents. We wish that this "lucky month 13" would have ended with exciting news, a trip to Georgia, jumping into the adventure of parenthood....but we continue in the "waiting" phase of our pilgrimage.

We attended a "waiting parents" meeting at our Maryland agency this month. The topic was "cradle care" and it was really informative. Cradle care is when a vetted foster family takes care of a child after birth but before the revocation period passes. As a reminder, every state has a different revocation period - this is the time after the birthmother (and possibly the birthfather) sign papers to have the child adopted, but before those consents are final. During the revocation period, the birthparents can change their minds and decide to parent, no questions asked. It's a sensitive but hugely important time period for such a big decision. In Maryland this period is 30 days; in Georgia it's 10; other states are as short as 72 hours. Cradle care families provide a safe, loving home for the child to be while his/her birthparents confirm their decision for adoption - and it also helps provide some emotional distance for the prospective adoptive parents, in case the placement does not happen.

At the meeting, we met some of the cradle care families who work with our Barker agency. They were wonderful! Even though we wouldn't be working with them, since we are 99% likely going to adopt out-of-state (Open Door has its own cradle care program), it was reassuring to see how warm-hearted these families were. They provide SUCH a beautiful service, to take in a child in need, knowing that it is going to be temporary - to give a little one a good start of love knowing that he or she will be leaving in a week or month. The families talked about how much they enjoyed being with the babies, even for just a short time. It was really inspiring.

Other stuff we did:

• Family time around New Year's! Bethany's parents and Dan's mom visited for New Year's and it was really fun all being together. We taught them a new board game (Puerto Rico) that Dan's mom won twice in a row! And we made cookies together and ate a LOT - balanced out with taking the dog for a walk.

Penny wins the festive attire award

Making "bellybuttons" - yum

• Bethany supported friends of ours who are adopting from Colombia by attending a "painting party." It was really fun, and we both thought the painting turned out well!

some serious art is happening here

• We marched for life! It was cold, cold, cold but really wonderful to show our support for life at all stages. There was a great turnout and it was fun (as always) running into friends from near and far. If you can't read them, our signs say: "Adoption is a Loving Choice" and "Birthmoms are Heroes for Choosing Life." We wanted to send a message of support for adoption. It actually was mentioned a lot in speeches at the rally, which was great. And we had a few people who wanted to take pictures of our signs. Dan even met a birthmother who shared with him a website - http://www.talkaboutadoption.org/ - which is by birthparents, for birthparents, with information about adoption, dispelling misconceptions and that sort of thing. Really great to see!

before the rally

• We celebrated Dan's birthday! This year we took a little two-day trip to the Eastern Shore (the part of Maryland on the east side of the Chesapeake Bay, for you non-locals). It was really relaxing. January is the off-season but the weather cooperated for some nice walks. We enjoyed a scrumptious dinner at Limoncello in St. Michaels.

we both had our first limoncello martinis - wow is all we have to say

on Kent Island, in the Chesapeake Bay - the Bay Bridge is in the background

about to enjoy a flight of beer

• Finally, we had some nice surprise visits from out-of-town friends this month: one from a couple Bethany knew in college who now live in Kansas and were in town for a wedding - we had brunch together one Sunday; and one from a college roommate of Dan's who is now a Dominican priest, in town for the March for Life.

We hope 2017 is off to a good start for you! Please continue to keep us in your prayers - we are SO grateful!

On not being chosen (again)

Roller coaster time again - buckle up. We were contacted by Open Door (our agency in Georgia) a few days ago about a babe who had already been born and was in need of a home. We said YES to showing our profile book (more like YESSSSSSSS) but this was not "the one" - the birthmother chose another family.

We've been down this road before (or, sticking with the metaphor of choice, been on this crazy ride before) but it still is rough and disappointing to hear "no" - and the wait in-between is pretty brutal. When you know your life MIGHT change forever by one phone call....and that the little one you've been given basic info about MIGHT become your child forever....suffice to say it is nearly impossible to focus on anything at all. Put another way, it is nearly impossible not to check email every few minutes, to jump at every phone call, to wonder every waking second what the outcome might be....it's pretty exhausting.

We were so glad to have another opportunity to say YES, to take a step forward in faith and open our arms wide for a child who needs a home through the generous love of his/her first parents. That's why we're doing this, to say yes, even if the answer in response is "no" for now. And we learned some things that will be worthwhile as we continue on this journey (and note that some of these are more serious than others, which should be obvious; humor is good medicine):

1) Cancel subscriptions to junk emails!! It was beyond annoying to see a new email pop up and think maybe this is it only to receive the latest coupon from Michael's or Mixbook or Groupon or whatever - the worst is Buy Buy Baby (thanks for the reminder). Same goes for junk telemarketer phone calls. UGH.

2) Healthy distractions are good! We finished watching all six early Star Wars movies over Christmas and then in the midst of waiting on this situation watched The Force Awakens. Nothing like intergalactic warfare to take your mind off stresses. Music is good, visiting friends is good, playing with godchildren is very good, basically things that pass the time and lift the spirits.

3) We did a serious evaluation of the baby stuff we own and made a list of things we need to buy in case we get the call and have to go pick up our baby STAT (which would have been the case with this situation). It was good to face the reality of travelling to meet a baby to realize that we could use some wipes and washcloths, for example. Shopping spree in the near future.

4) We are in this TOGETHER. It was hard - but good - to be asking each other "heard anything?" and checking in about how we were feeling. This is the kind of journey you don't ever wish your spouse had to be on (we wish we were on the journey of getting our children ready for bed and for preschool, but that's not our call) but how wonderful it is to have each other to walk with. And that includes all the dear friends & family who pray for us - even if you didn't know about this recent roller coaster, your prayers helped!

image from Catholic Box

5.) The need to COMPLETELY trust in God. As our prayer this week, we decided to delve more deeply into the reality of divine mercy according to St. Faustina and her writings. So we watched a DVD called "Divine Mercy 101" with Fr. Chris Alar, MIC 15 minutes a night followed by discussion and praying a Divine Mercy Chaplet. Among other things, the video challenged us to trust completely in God. It is so hard to trust, especially when you are told "no" to one of your great and good desires. And it is a "no" who so many get to experience as a "yes" so frequently, so easily. Yet we are trying to trust completely because in the depth of our hearts we know this is the path to peace and happiness; and all of this suffering is but a means to a greater trust. We are certain that this is the gift God wants to give us through all of this, but please pray for us because it is so tempting to do the opposite. Our culture of self-seeking feel-good entitlement whispers to us, "You have a right to be angry and to doubt God. Think only of your wounds. How awful your wounds!" No! We will not dwell on our wounds except to drive us into the love of God. Our wounds are points of intimacy with God. We give them to you Lord.

So yeah, we are trusting yet disappointed and such is the paradox of our life. Some TLC is needed - maybe a glass of red wine (Bethany) and a milkshake from Chick-fil-a (Dan). We were ready to hightail it to Georgia and embark on the next leg of our adoption pilgrimage. But we'll have to wait some more.

Thanks everybody for your ongoing prayers and support, and hopefully next update we'll have happier news. Jesus, we trust in you!

Word of the Year: Receive

(by Bethany)

A few years' back, a friend shared with me the idea to choose a word in January to be your word of the year. It can be a kind of touchstone, something to reflect on for the year, something to strive for, a quality to emulate, and so on. I thought it was a great idea but haven't done it until this year. For some reason, in prayer the word "receive" keeps coming to mind. So I'll just go ahead and claim that word!

Three thoughts come to mind with this word: receiving a child, receiving life moment by moment, and offering back to God all I have received from him.

Receive...not gonna lie, the first thought I had about "receive" was receiving a child. That this would be the year that we at last, at last receive a child into our arms, our home, our hearts. As we know so painfully well, a child isn't something that can be grasped or grabbed or demanded or forced - a child must be received. When I picture "receiving a child," I picture us with arms open and extended, palms up, a soft and welcoming landing pad for a little one who has already been through a lot - saying goodbye to his or her first mom, dealing with all the new scents and sounds and unfamiliarity not only of being born but being away from the person who was his whole environment for the last nine months. A little one in great need of care and warmth and closeness. We will receive our child with tenderness and with our breath held in awe of the amazing gift of new life present in a never-before-seen treasure, a treasure that will grow to call us mom and dad...(this is one of those daydreams so close to the heart that it's almost impossible to look at directly.) We will receive our son or daughter with tears of joy and with a poignant sense of what has led up to this point in our baby's life and that of his first parents. We wait and pray with open arms and open hearts, to receive a little one in God's perfect timing.

Receive...this also brought to mind a quote that has meant a lot to me, from a book that has meant a lot to me: "Interior Freedom" by Fr. Jacques Phillipe. I am overdue to read it again! It has been such a wealth of wisdom, guidance, comfort, and challenge. Anyway - the quote comes a section called "The Present Moment" and here he says:

We have very little hold on the future. Despite all our foresight, plans, and promises, it takes very little to change everything completely. We can't program life in advance, but can only receive it moment by moment.

#micdrop

We can only receive life moment by moment. (One of those "duh" statements that nonetheless is so hard to truly remember!!) We cannot program the future, cannot smooth out all the rough edges of our lives and create the life we want by our own sheer determination. We can only receive life as it comes, the good and the bad together. This is both a challenging and a comforting word for me. Challenging because throughout this 5-year-plus struggle with infertility, I have wanted nothing more than to "program life in advance" and at least have the assurance, somehow, that yes I will be mother. Or - better - just become one already! It is a hard truth that no, actually I do not have control over the future.

But I also find this comforting because it lets me relax, and with the help of God loosen my grip on all of my plans for life and worries about the future. Receiving life moment by moment is more active, I think, then just letting it all wash over you without a thought. I can make a conscious effort - this is at the heart of Fr. Phillipe's book - to say "yes" to what is given me in life, right now, even if it's not exactly what I want, and in doing so I know (from experience) that my teeth get a little less clenched and my hands relax out of their combative fists...and to get back to the business of loving those around me and finding ways to be fruitful.

Finally, receive brings to mind words from the Mass, specifically during the Liturgy of the Eucharist. This hit me fresh just the other day. Lifting up the host, the priest says:

Blessed are you, Lord God of all creation,
for through your goodness we have received
the bread we offer you...

I've been taught that during Mass when the bread and wine are brought to the altar, we should unite our own offering - ourselves, our prayers, our sufferings - with the bread and wine, to be given to God. I love love love this practice and find it a powerful way to unite my little life and the sufferings the Lord has asked me to bear with Jesus's ultimate sacrifice of love. The words of this prayer remind me that everything is received from the Lord - and everything can be offered back to him. He gives us the very bread that we offer, the wine too is his gift... I'm still thinking through what exactly this means, but I think it is something profound! Something to do with redemptive suffering, and receiving-in-order-to-offer, and receiving life as a gift and other thoughts it is getting too late to put together!

So that's my word. I hope I remember it throughout the year! I'm starting to see/hear it everywhere. If anyone else has chosen a word for the year, I'd love to hear it!

While We Wait: December 2016 (Month #12)

Wow, has another month really gone by?? Here we are in a brand new year, with 2016 behind us. In terms of adoption-related stuff, December was probably our "slowest" month to date. We went "live" with Open Door on December 1st, but since then we've had zero adoption activity - other than our usual daily (more than daily) prayers for the gift of a child and for protection over our future child's birthparents. We didn't get any calls or possible situations from either St. Joseph's or from Open Door, and (thank goodness!) we are ALL done with paperwork for quite a while - until either we are matched with a child or summer rolls around again.

Since all of December was either Advent or Christmas, that was what occupied us most this month. For the first time ever in our marriage, we didn't travel over the holidays. While of course we were sad to miss seeing family up in Erie, and miss the great family traditions we love, it also made Christmas very peaceful. And we were happy to welcome both Dan's mom and my parents for parts of Christmas and New Year's weekends. (Plus Penny the adorable dog!)

our tree! (this is the Advent version - we put on more decorations at Christmas)

Some of the particular highlights of December include:

• Coming home from work on December 6 to find a SECRET St. Nicholas gift on our doorstep!! It was a HUGE bag full of all kinds of goodies from someone in our neighborhood or at least local. What a blessing that was!!
• Hosting our first big party in our new home. While the numbers were somewhat reduced due to sickness, it was pleasantly snug and very cheerful. We sang Christmas carols, ate lots of great food, drank mulled cider, and read parts of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" (our second annual reading). 
• Attending an Advent concert at the John Paul II Shrine where Dan works - such beautiful music plus hot cocoa and caroling afterwards.
• Dan turning in the second chapter of his dissertation - woo hoo Dan!! Two out of four means he's halfway there! (whoa-oh, living on a prayer....)
• Also attending the Handel's Messiah sing-along at the Kennedy Center that is always held on December 23. We went with friends and it was such a riot trying to follow along in the choral parts! The music is so moving and joyful - definitely an amazing way to prepare for Christ's birth.

Looking back at the month, there were a lot of blessings. Definitely some sadness at another Christmas without a little one in our home - there's not an easy way "around" that... But Jesus is here, Emmanuel, the Child we are all waiting for.

The new year brings a lot of nostalgia too. We had hoped that 2016 would be "the year of our first adoption" - that obviously was not the case. We will keep hoping - the year is fresh and young again! However long it takes to adopt, that's how long it takes to meet the child meant for our family and vice versa. We are so grateful for the prayers and support of so many friends and family this year - it really means a lot!

While We Wait: November 2016 (Month #11)

Adoption related stuff:

Okay, technically this happened December 1st, but close enough! The big recent news is that we are now officially in a second "pool" for waiting parents - yayyyy! Open Door adoption agency gave us the green light on December 1st that we are now an "active" waiting family with them, meaning that they can show our profile book to any expectant moms who might be interested in a family like ours. We're really happy about this, and also relieved that for the time being paperwork is DONE!!!

We have an online profile with Open Door, here: http://www.opendooradoption.org/daniel-and-bethany. Screenshot:

It's similar to our printed profile book, but with a few less pictures. There might be more text though (there's a lot more than what shows up with the screen shot). As with the hard-copy book, it was tough to decide on which pictures to show, and what to say! This part of the process has felt very vulnerable to us, having to show who we are to a prospective birth parent through "static" pictures and text - what pictures to choose? who should be in them? close-ups? formal? and so on. Writing up our story really puts ourselves out there, too. We've become pretty comfortable talking about our hope to adopt, our struggle with infertility, etc., but it still feels a little scary to be so open! We have to keep reminding ourselves: it's not about being perfect (whatever that means) but about being the best fit for someone who chooses us to raise their child (what an awesome responsibility!).

So what happens now? We keep waiting! (naturally) We are still working with St. Joseph's, our original placement agency, but could now receive calls from Open Door as well. There's nothing left to "do" at this point from our end in terms of paperwork or preparations. For the first time in a while, it looks like we really will be just waiting, living our lives while we wait and see when and where our adoption will happen.

Speaking of waiting, a friend of ours from grad school wrote a beautiful reflection on waiting that we wanted to share: https://blessedisshe.net/the-most-wonderful-time-of-the-year-2/. The line that really jumped out at us was  "I’ve come to view waiting not as something to breeze through as quickly as humanly possible, but as something to be embraced and be transformed by."

That is our prayer, too! That this time of waiting (which from a human perspective feels longer every day) will not be just a holding pattern or a "blank" time, or something we rush through as quickly as possible (not that we have much control over that) but a time that transforms us by the grace of God to be the people - and hopefully one day the parents - that he has called us to be.

Thank you for your continued prayers!

Other Stuff We Did:

We were cultured this month! Bethany went to see Mary Poppins at a local theater with a dear friend whose sister was in the show. Then we both went to the Symphony thanks to free tickets through Dan's PhD program. And finally for Bethany's birthday, Dan took her to see the Nutcracker, which was playing just a few minutes from our house.

Bethany travelled to Baltimore for an annual work trip and Dan joined her for a few days. Despite being a work trip, this one always has some lovely moments of time spent with coworkers "off the clock" and time for sightseeing.

View of the harbor from the 37th floor of the World Trade Center

Dan took the helm!

We also travelled to Pennsylvania to visit Bethany's family over Thanksgiving. We got TWO big Thanksgiving-day meals, one at a big extended family reunion, and one at Bethany's childhood home. We also saw a movie together ("Arrival" - excellent), did a family craft (making evergreen baskets), watched a lot of football (let's not talk about that) and just enjoyed relaxing with mom, dad, and their hyperactive dog Penny.

Pre-food coma

Penny did not contribute to this project

Finally, Bethany had a birthday! This year it was on the first Sunday of Advent, which was delightful. We got our home ready for this beautiful season of joy, peace, and WAITING (perhaps the Lord would like to teach us something new about this!). And Dan made Bethany's birthday SO special: breakfast out at a lovely local cafe, the Nutcracker in the afternoon, and a homemade dinner at night plus the world's smallest birthday cake (which was fine with her after eating so many sweets during Thanksgiving!).

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

All two bites were delicious

We hope you had a lovely November, Thanksgiving, and a blessed start to Advent!

This Giving Tuesday Give the Gift of a Loving, Stable Home

Hello all,

We thought we would encourage you on this Giving Tuesday to give to an adoption cause! Do you know of a couple in need of adoption assistance? Do you know an adoption agency who could use a donation? Then, we would encourage you to give to the beautiful cause of adoption. But above all, give to those in the middle of the adoption process, like us, the gift of your prayers. It is tough to wait, go through the ups and downs of the different cases, and sometimes to not be considered or rejected for cases. We know all about this now, so please bring some cheer to those adoptive parents or good adoption agencies by offering a small gift to them on this day all about giving! God bless!

While We Wait: October 2016 (Month #10)

Adoption related stuff:

We made some forward progress in October! To be honest, though, generally our adoption pilgrimage has felt like the joke in the Family Circus cartoons, where Billy takes the most circuitous route possible to accomplish a straight-forward task...

(link if the picture doesn't show up)

Not that adoption is every really "straight-forward" - but this round-about, detour-filled, will-we-ever-reach-the-finish-line image resonates with us!

Back to the forward progress though: praise God, Dan's CPS clearance form was finally located, processed, sent back to our agency, and we are once again home study approved! (Oct. 11) Awesome good news that we were grateful to receive. The home study is current for one year, FYI.

Because of our home study being active, we were able to pursue our plan of signing up with an additional placement agency to help us find our child. The agency we settled on, after much prayer and discussion, is An Open Door, in Georgia. They were highly recommended by our home study agency, Barker, and all of our interactions with them have been great: responsive, clear, and helpful. A few reasons why we chose them are: they directly work with the expectant parents who are considering adoption, which means that we will get the most accurate and complete information possible about a potential match; they have a cap for their fees + birthparent and legal fees, which for us means that we do not put money "at risk" in the event of a match or placement that falls through; they have multiple locations around Georgia (we had to send them 20 copies of our profile book); and their agency is fairly active, which could mean a shorter waiting time from this point forward.

It's another leap of faith, another "yes" to where we believe God is calling us, but expanding our "reach" in this way brings us a lot of hope!

We have a few things left before being totally active with Open Door: six references have to send them back a reference questionnaire, and we have to send them pictures and text to put on their website ("waiting couples"). So here's hoping that works out quickly!

Also, in a really unexpected adoption moment, Dan won $500 at a local shopping center's grand opening! He had to take a picture with a concrete turtle (it's a long story) and his name was selected. A little boost to our adoption budget!

Dan & Tommy

Other Stuff We Did

October was pretty fun! The Fall colors are just starting to show here in our neck of the woods, and we enjoyed two weekend trips: one to Erie to visit Dan's family, and one to Rochester to become godparents to our dear little godson Theo.

Speaking of godchildren - good friends came to visit for a weekend in October (including our goddaughter and Bethany's godson). We had a blast going to the zoo on a beautiful Fall day, making our traditional big pancake breakfast, and going to Annapolis to watch the boats. It is such a blessing to be with great friends!

Dan had a BIG event at his job (St. John Paul II Shrine) on JPII's feast day, Oct. 22. Bethany's parents came down for it, which was really fun. It was an all-day celebration of this great saint's life with speakers, music, a beautiful Mass, adoration, etc. It was a lovely day for us and a great cap to the novena we had been saying for JPII's intercession.

JPII, we love you!

Finally - we had our first Halloween in our new house! Bethany in particularly was really excited to hand out candy. At our last house, we didn't get many trick or treaters because we were on a busy road with no sidewalk. This time we had plenty! It was fun to sit on our porch with some hot tea and enjoy all the kids' costumes. Although our neighbors across the street really outdid us with decorations....we will need to remedy that next year.

Thank you for your continued prayers!